tried as have before no christian or pagan or other god has decided.that i am important enough to talk to.
That would presume God has a very small attention span, which I don't think is a warranted premise. I think the problem most people face is being too loud and mentally assertive to hear anything. I think God is quite capable of being loud and assertive, but chooses not to be to preserve our free will. As a result one can't talk to God very well in the midst of asserting our own impressions and expectations of God. This is ridiculously easy to screw up.
Sure, i say that in slim hopes that i can piss it off enough to do something, anything.
If a very young child while upset says "I don't like you!" to a parent, no emotionally healthy parent will take that very personally. Surely God is a little more patient and emotionally healthy than a typical parent. And to God we are all very young.
On the one hand if there is a god and i do have a purpose i would feel useless if it was mundane and if it wasn't i would be after i had carried it out. On the other hand if there is no god and i have no purpose and just popped into existence then it seems i truely am useless and my lackluster achievements of the mundane are all i have and i don't have much for a life.
I think you've internalized the Hollywood version of "destiny" and "purpose" which is designed to fit into compact 2 hour movies, or other finite stories with solid conclusions. This makes sense when you are trying to make a story for entertainment with a beginning, middle, and end. However this notion is incompatible with the sort of purpose which would inspire one to create a bunch of immortal souls.
In other words, you cannot "complete" your purpose, because it is not so trivial as that found in a story. I'll leave you to think about the broader category of purposes creation of an immortal soul implies.
I'm an overnight cook at a mcdonalds for fucks sake.
Hahah. Well that explains all the angst about God! Working at McDonalds for too long has to be pretty soul-crushing. You have my sympathies for that one.
It didn't help me that my father lied to me for over ten years with him proclaiming god jad spoke to him off and on, leading my whole family to homelessness me dropping out.of high school and becoming transient on some religious crusade around the country until i finally realised that he was simply suffering from self delusion. He has since apologised for his actions but a simple apology won't suffice to me for manipulation on that level. For six years i traveled with them sometimes to go my own way for a year or so, and when that house of cards came crashing down, so did my entire religion, my way of life, my meaning and purpose was gone with nothing left except what i am and what i have done.
I'm sure that was crushing and demotivating. But this is actually great! You learned more about error and religion than most people ever get the opportunity to experience, and those are valuable lessons. And your "religion" and "way of life" fell entirely to pieces because they were wrong, and you learned your way past that set of errors that you were born into. This too is great, because when all of your wrong beliefs have been destroyed, the emptiness which is left provides an opportunity to gradually rebuild something much more correct.
I would urge you mostly to have patience with this process of rebuilding a more correct understanding. It's the sort of thing that should justifiably take a long time. One of the core things many of us find most disconcerting is "not knowing" answers to important questions. The not-knowing can be so uncomfortable that this is what drives many people to seek the simplistic comfort of easy and wrong answers. Like, "God tells me what to do!" or "This book has all the answers!" or "I'm certain there is no God!" But you've seen the easy-answer path. You know it doesn't work out. So now try the hard path, and be willing to accept the internalized unknown while you gradually fill in the things you can know or understand.