Author Topic: Occult humor  (Read 25147 times)

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June 19, 2014, 09:25:59 AM
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Akenu

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It's time for some good occult humor (especially considering that occult jokes are quite rare nowadays), I will start by sharing two of my jokes that still need some revision:

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I have spent a fortune on the artifact called 7-mile boots. This artifact allows you to pass great distances by doing steps long 7 miles. As it turned out it is not only very impractical, but also a horribly painful experience, I am still missing the leg.

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Many people tried to figure out what deja vu is, whether it is a random brain fart, precognition, prophetic vision... In fact deja vu is a defense mechanism. When your soul notices you are about to experience a terribly boring event, it makes it feel like you have already experienced it before, making the boring event awesome, else it would be just painfully stupid waste of time.

June 24, 2014, 07:30:27 AM
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Akenu

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My jokes not working out? Well, let's do some classic:

Ineffective daily affirmations
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    I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
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    I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
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    I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
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    In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
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    Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
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    My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
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    I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
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    I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
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    Joan of Arc heard voices too.
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    I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self- righteous people around me.
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    I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
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    When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
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    All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
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    I am at one with my duality.
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    Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
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    I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
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    Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
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    A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
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    I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
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    Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
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    I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

July 15, 2014, 06:45:55 PM
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ImmortalTimothy

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Unfortunately almost all occult based humor I have is based on really bad puns... and electricity.

So today I practiced bio-electricity manipulation, it was a really shocking experience.
Last night, I meditated outside during a small storm; I was thunderstruck by the results.

Hmm, it seems the rest of my electricity puns are more situation based puns :/


I am my own God

July 17, 2014, 05:34:14 AM
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Akenu

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I like the shocking experience one :D.

July 17, 2014, 05:36:13 AM
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Akenu

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Correct pronunciation is important during rituals. High priestess won't thank you if you are calling dark forces and your Buer sounds like "burn her".

July 18, 2014, 03:46:14 PM
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ImmortalTimothy

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Hahaha, The calling dark forces one is pretty great :D
Hmm,

The problem with occult jokes is that nobody can ever find any. (joke based on the other meanings of the word Occult)

I hate trying to communicate with teenage ghosts/spirits using the Ouija board, it is so hard to make out what they are trying to say with all their text talk and emoticons.

My dowsing rods are really bad; they keep pointing towards my sink.
I am my own God

July 18, 2014, 03:49:08 PM
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Akenu

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Hear, hear, it's a bad sign when you ask "Oh mighty spirit, what do you demand in exchange for your service?" and the answer is "tits or gtfo!!!!!!1111eleven".

July 18, 2014, 03:55:39 PM
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ImmortalTimothy

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Hear, hear, it's a bad sign when you ask "Oh mighty spirit, what do you demand in exchange for your service?" and the answer is "tits or gtfo!!!!!!1111eleven".
Hahahaha, that one is probably my favorite so far.


I found this on http://www.chaosmatrix.org/library/humor.php
Quote
A Christian, a Wiccan, and a Sorceror were taking a whizz in a public restroom. The Christian finished first, and proceeded to scrub his hands thoroughly, to the elbow, saying, "We Christians have learned to be clean." The Wiccan finished next, and barely wet his fingertips, saying, "We Wiccans have learned to respect Mother Earth and preserve her resources." The Sorceror zipped up and headed for the door, saying, "We Sorcerors have learned not to piss on our hands."
I am my own God

July 18, 2014, 04:22:31 PM
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Ekstatikos

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I found this on http://www.chaosmatrix.org/library/humor.php
Quote
A Christian, a Wiccan, and a Sorceror were taking a whizz in a public restroom. The Christian finished first, and proceeded to scrub his hands thoroughly, to the elbow, saying, "We Christians have learned to be clean." The Wiccan finished next, and barely wet his fingertips, saying, "We Wiccans have learned to respect Mother Earth and preserve her resources." The Sorceror zipped up and headed for the door, saying, "We Sorcerors have learned not to piss on our hands."

Looool that's fantastic XD
~ Io Daimon Eriounes Theon ~

"Success is thy proof: argue not; convert not; talk not over much!" ~ Aleister Crowley, Liber AL vel Legis

To Know, To Dare, To Will, To Be Silent, and To Liberate

July 30, 2014, 08:48:34 AM
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Ekstatikos

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~ Io Daimon Eriounes Theon ~

"Success is thy proof: argue not; convert not; talk not over much!" ~ Aleister Crowley, Liber AL vel Legis

To Know, To Dare, To Will, To Be Silent, and To Liberate

August 01, 2014, 05:34:49 PM
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Dash

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I think there are only three important questions in life and that finding the answers to them will dramatically alter who we are and who we will become. Those qustions are:

Is existence meaningless?

What is my purpose?

What do I want for dinner tonight?

August 01, 2014, 05:36:27 PM
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ImmortalTimothy

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What do I want for dinner tonight?

True, so very true. That was pretty funny. I liked that one.
I am my own God

August 01, 2014, 10:30:16 PM
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Willi

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We ought to make a spell for improving occult jokes  :P

August 02, 2014, 11:51:26 AM
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Akenu

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@Willi: Totally :D.

There goes another one:

What is the only thing that makes Almighty God to cry? Stepping on Almighty Lego.

August 03, 2014, 03:34:01 PM
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Akenu

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Dracula: I never eat or drink, I am never outside before the sunset, my skin is pale and my intentions dark, I have fangs to drain blood of my victims and there is no protection from me. Who am I?
Answer: A tax collector?