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Messages - DarkWaterMoon

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Main Hall / Re: Motivation. How to keep practicing.
« on: June 25, 2014, 10:30:42 PM »
Start small so you can have small victories. Always save enough for tomorrow; never overdo it.

Join a community. Use

Magick / Re: Veos and Prophecy
« on: June 25, 2014, 09:57:43 AM »
I totally forgot how much circle jerking and mental masturbation goes on here hahaha.

Magick / Re: Starting all over again.
« on: June 24, 2014, 07:41:18 PM »
I've found that starting fresh it's better to start small to build the habit and don't do too much; leave more for tomorrow. So don't push yourself too hard until you get a routine going.

Don't be afraid to mix things up a bit every other day or so too just to keep it fun and exciting. Your brain likes new things to play with.

Magick / Re: Issue during meditation
« on: June 23, 2014, 05:55:37 PM »
You can gently focus on dan tien if you want the pressure to go away.

Magick / Re: Veos and Prophecy
« on: June 23, 2014, 03:04:16 PM »
I'll chime in to offer my experiences since I have been a part of the school since 2012. It is not perfect, but it is good. I've had several bad experiences with zealot and pompous people there, so they do exist. But they exist here as well. Just stay away from them.

Has the school improved my quality of life and happiness? Yes.
Has the school helped me better understand myself and the world around me? Yes.

In my opinion those are miracles.

IIH and Bardon is also my love and so is the qi gong I've learned from flowingzen.

Main Hall / Please Forgive Me
« on: May 07, 2012, 09:35:25 PM »
I am a ghost, yes. I have returned to apologize to those that I was an asshole to, and to ask for forgiveness. There is one woman in particular that I was incredibly rude to, but unfortunately I cannot find the message or her username. Please know that I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart, and no one should ever have to hear words that I said to you. I hope you are all well.

Other / Re: Paranoia getting to me
« on: September 11, 2008, 01:41:07 PM »
I just want to apologize to everyone for wasting their time. I have been clean from all drugs for a month and 8 days now. The paranoia has left, as well as the constant headaches and numb feeling in my head. The panic attacks were really something. In my dreams at night for the past month, I would be offered a blunt or hit and would take it, only afterwards to realize that I had promised never to do it again. An intense feeling of guilt would come over me, usually causing me to wake up in a sweat or really anxious. I always feel bad and guilty for using these drugs and abusing my body like I did for the past 7 months; doing them just for the effects and not even giving a thought to how they disrupt the balance in my body. Many of my panic attacks would be sparked from me being so sorry to my body, wanting to take all that back, but not being able to.

It has been 2 weeks since I've those nightmares. School has started and I am much more active and it really does help. However, I still do feel much guilt for doing what I did, and constantly worry if I have done any permanent damage. Like I said, the headaches and the worst of the withdrawal symptoms have stopped, but at times I still feel light-headed and dissoriented. However, I have done some research and read that it takes up to 3 months before feeling back to completely normal.

To Cheznips, I do so apologize fully. What you said scared me, as I already feel guilty. But ignoring that fact doesn't change reality. I am such an asshole for saying the things I said and being so selfish.

Magick / Re: magick and fighting...
« on: August 14, 2008, 02:34:55 PM »
Somehow, this topic reminds me of that show "Dragonball Z".

Watch out, or I'll blow up the world with just my finger!

Other / Re: Paranoia getting to me
« on: August 11, 2008, 04:42:26 PM »
Well I'm sorry that you think that. I guess you can't empathize with the feeling of having your stomach drop when hearing that one drug use can cause large holes in your brain, which means I could very well have fucked myself over for the rest of my life and never be able to recover. I thought I had hope, but hearing that kind of snatched that away.

Other / Re: Paranoia getting to me
« on: August 11, 2008, 04:16:47 PM »
its been shown that just one use of exstacy can leave huge holes in the human brain.

Ex is a completely different chemical compound. Relating that to Morning Glory seeds is kind of ridiculous. Also, do you have any cited sources for that? Drug gossip is almost as bad as celebrity gossip.

Other / Re: Paranoia getting to me
« on: August 11, 2008, 03:28:30 PM »
Well I'm not an insurance so if it requires a brain scan or something I'm pretty sure I can't afford it...espically with the fall semester coming up.

Even if I did find out there were huge holes in my brain, I doubt there is anything that could fix it.

I didn't really OD either; I threw up a great amount of them. It was more of a bad trip than anything I think. I bought the ones that said they were untreated too, so I don't think they had any poisons on them. But if they were coated, it is only with a mild poison to prevent ingestion, which probably is what caused be to heave it all up.

I'm really scared now. What if I really did do big permanent damage to my brain? There is no way I can fix it. I'm going to be screwed for the rest of my life....I wish I hadn't made this thread...

Other / Re: Argueing with yourself?
« on: August 10, 2008, 11:49:41 PM »
You should have complete and conscious control over both those aspects while they are conversing. If you ever feel you don't control one side of the conversation. STOP.

How do you know which one is really you? I have trouble with clarity now, since my recent drug abuse.

They are both you, that is why if you feel you don't have control of one side you should stop.  They are just different aspects of yourself. There is no "real" you and "false" you in this practice. It is all you.

There is no real you? That's pretty scary......

Other / Paranoia getting to me
« on: August 10, 2008, 11:47:10 PM »
I've noticed a decline in my willpower ever since by recent drug abuse (as some of you may know. Thank God it didn't last even a year). It feels like I have less control over myself as a whole, as if my parts have slipped and are scattered. My ability to ignore and handle sensations has heavily decreased; if an unpleasant sensation comes I withdraw from all function like a turtle instead of just ignoring it and continuing with what I was doing with a feeling of confidence that everything will be I used to be.

Now a days, when I get dizzy or even when I start to feel sick from overeating, I begin to become anxious and panic heavily because I am out of homostasis. It is a feeling I can heavily relate to back when I had a horribly bad trip on LSA. I don't understand why I relate changes in my system back to that though, even acceptably  healthy ones. For another example, someone called me earlier at 11:30 pm and it said withheld. The first thought in my mind was, if I picked it up I would hear a male with a dark heavy voice saying, "I'm coming to kill you and your family". Every time a number I do not recognize calls me, this same thought process comes to mind, and it is why I never pick up the phone unless I know who it is. I then become afraid that whoever it was is coming to my house right now to kill me, even though I know I have done no wrong to deserve such a thing.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to fix my mind?

Magick / Re: magick and fighting...
« on: August 10, 2008, 08:57:36 PM »
Now I've heard everything.

Not really

Other / Re: Argueing with yourself?
« on: August 10, 2008, 08:45:57 PM »
You should have complete and conscious control over both those aspects while they are conversing. If you ever feel you don't control one side of the conversation. STOP.

How do you know which one is really you? I have trouble with clarity now, since my recent drug abuse.

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