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Topics - The Gunslinger

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Magick / I think i'm just fooling myself..but
« on: August 25, 2011, 01:13:36 AM »
  Last night i decided to meditate to some ambient techno music. You can see what the type of music i was listening to by going to Digitally Imported ( is the website). In anycase i was in an altered state of mind (my room mate invited me to smoke marijuanna, I know, i know, i shouldn't do so for recreation if i want real progress, but when life gives you lemons... well ok not the best analogy). Anyway, i had just read an awesome website that had to do with Franz Bardon. And on the website it described how Bardon is still around, and helping his fellow brothers of light, to lead mankind toward the wisdom it has forgotten. It said that he guides men through telepathic suggestions and like all ascended masters shows up to guide you in life on occasion.

  So back to the meditations. I like meditations landscapes. I have serveral places i go to, and each place has several beings that i imagine to exist there. This time i just let my thoughts flow....

  I was underwater. A undine was ahead of me. She was beautiful, with flowing hair that reminded me of an astronaut in zero g. I am kind of a  lonely soul at the moment, so i asked her "do you know where i can find love?" She waved me to follow. At this point i felt the heaviness in my third eye and had the conscience thought that maybe i was communicating  with a being that i have no experiance to be working with. My occult knowlege is broad enough to know that you don't mess with undines and love, becuase without the strength of will they will take your heart. So i decided to swim in the other direction, and then stopped thinking about her becuase....

  I was in another landscape that i had never been to before. It was in myself, this place. It was a sterile white lab room. The kind of thing you see in sci-fi movies. Ahead of me was a elevator-type door. Above the door was a miminmalist metal plate with the word "magi" etched into it. I look to my left and i see a man floating there. He looks like Bardon, dressed in white, and i have a sense of peace, and presence. Serenity would be a good word for how i felt. I say "can you show me the path of the magi so i know if i want to tread that path." Smiling he says "go through that door and you shall see, but be forewarned for once you go down that path, there is no going back". I hesitate. What if i'm making a mistake? What if i want to go back? I say "maybe i'm not ready yet." Without another word, smiling, he vanishes.

  Now i'm standing there thinking "damn it. Here i am, possibly having a real experiance with a being i am not even close to worthy enough to talk to and i am a coward about the very thing i ask for". So i decide to go through that door. I rationalise this by thinking, even if i don't become anything but an armchair magician, i do want to become my best self and in the process get rid of my darker emotions. The door has a finger print identifier. I place my whole palm on it. And in real life my right palm becomes warm first, then my left, then both my feet in the same order.

  As i step trough the door i'm wearing a plain brown robe. There is a hall with a staircase imediately in front of me. As i ascend the room gets dark and gloomy, red vains of negativity are the only things that provide light. I'm scard. I walk forward and i ask outloud what am i suppose to do now. I'm given a vision of me abolishing the negativity in this room. I'm given visions of me in the future with magical ability, everyone reaspects and likes me. I remind me of Jesus. I'm a attracted to this perseption of me. One thing i've always fantasized about magic, is similar to the Jesus role in Christianity. I always thought it would be cool to roam the country side, going where God wills, and healing, offering advice....being worshiped...

  "is this a trick?" I think about it. No this is all wrong. This is just what i want to happen. Its not what i would really do. Only a fool wants the be worshiped, a magician knows better than to fall for vanity. The vision collapses and no matter how hard i try, i know its over. I can't just seem to get to that place i was before. I'm left with an inward messaged of something like "get some sleep, tomorrow you will learn the greatest test". To be honest though, i'm pretty sure this was just my mind trying to make the experiance something it wasn't. And well nothing happened today. Nothing obviously life changing.

  The truth i feel is this. I was just playing with myself. I don't think i was visited by Bardon. Although, i do reaspect him. And my subconscience knows that. If i was going to give me a message i would have picked Bardon too. The thing that made me write this though is that i just had an understanding of why i've never devoted myself to this path. Even though i don't have many friends, i'm not as popular as i once was, i don't feel like i can command a room with my charm like i used to back in highschool. I am still at the core of my being, right now as i type this, afraid of people. I'm afriad of what they think. I'm afraid of how they'll respond. Even on this forum (where i feel comfortable) i still get a twang of anxity when i check my post, becuase maybe i'll be flamed for my beliefs and no one will like me.

 It all just seems so childish. And yet its a part of what i need to change. I get it. How do you reject that part of human nature? It seems so counter intuitive that i haven't been able to get over it. I'm a hair stylist. Part of my job is to be concerned with how people view themselves. Its what makes me money. And honestly, if you want to have the real money than you have to dress nice. I don't feel like i do. Mostly i dress like a geek, becuase well, i am kinda a geek. It just seems like i'm being surrounded with how other people feel about me, i just want to shake it.

So what happens when you reject societies stero type of how your suppose to act? What does it FEEL like? Does anyone have any first hand experiance so that i may know what its like?

Also i would like to apologise. When i come on here i ask questions. I would like to get over this "taking" so i feel like i have something to offer. I understand that this statement my be percieved as low self esteam but i have always wanted to express that thought. There have been times where the knowlege on here and what people have said, has helped me emmensly.

Magick / My life is at a crossroad....
« on: June 01, 2011, 10:48:41 AM »
   It's more than a little lame that almost 4 months ago i was so gung-ho about the IIH that i figured by now I'd have more than a little progress under my belt. Needless to say i stopped practicing. It's weird too because i started noticing things in myself change for the positive . My mind became clear, not always untroubled, but more honed. It was hard to bring thought control into my daily life, by the end of the day i sometimes felt like i had just 'crammed' for a test i was to take the next day, if that makes sense.
  What halted my progress was mostly fear. I kept thinking thoughts i didn't want to think, only to have my mind latch onto them and constantly antagonize me. It was maddening, i sometimes seriously felt like punching my head and screaming "JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!". Yes it was fear that made me the prisoner of my own mind. I feel weak, and a little pathetic. All the sage like advice i could come across didn't help when i was alone with myself. For example: While breathing in meditation i would think of myself breathing in fire. Well only being on step 1 that would freak me out, all i wanted to do is to become more self aware of myself while meditating. My brain being the progress leeching sucubus that it is, would latch on to that until i wouldn't (couldn't) think of anything besides that. So i would just brush off that meditation until next time. The problem happened that whenever i would get over one "bad" thought there was always another to take its place.
   Now i want it again. I feel like if i devote just a little bit of my life to this, that like a seed, i would bloom into a beautiful flower. I've also decided that some of it was that i couldn't devote enough of my time to training. I live with my mom and couldn't do some things. Such as japa, or i was constantly being interupted and reminded of what was going on around me, rather than what was going on inside me.
   I also question things that are important to me now. Will i lose everything to find nothing? Maybe i should spend the next two years living up all the material things of life? Will a life of control and celibacy leave me without the love a woman. Are these things important or only important to me now because i still live in this "shell of fear" and superficial ideas.

   I normally wouldn't just say these thoughts to another person, but i need help, moreover the help of people who possibly went through the same stuff. I want the knowlege, the insight, the why. Those questions won't leave me alone. Why are you here, Why are things the way they are, what are the ultimate goals of the universe, how can i be apart of it, am i alone, does humanity have a place, or are we a moss growing on the back of the Earth...Those things won't leave me alone. But how can i meditate when i'm trapped by my mind?

Main Hall / Know any occult movies???
« on: March 07, 2011, 01:21:35 PM »
  I was just wondering if anyone knew any good occult type movies. Netflix seems to be letting me down in the search department.  :(

  Although i'm looking for more of a documentary, i suppose they could be fantasy too...Just wondering...

  Oh and please for the love of God, don't say 'Practical Magic'....or 'The Craft'. I'm usually not one to be a chooser while begging, but please...just please don't.. :wink:

Magick / So is there NO HOPE for me?
« on: February 13, 2011, 11:12:10 PM »
  So i've read some post on here about making pacts with various spirits. I even read one where a magician made a pact with the Devil, and therefore traded power for his freedom after death.

  The reason I'm genuinely freaked out right now, is, as an adolescent i may have said "i will trade my soul for (this or this selfish desire). Now I only really pray, i have no authority over any type of spirit. Having read that this guy will pretty much be forced into astral slavery though is  disconcerning. Am i just being stupid? I'm almost positive that i'm wasting my time writing this but any sort of info will greatly put my mind at ease. What are the "rules" when it comes to stuff like this?

Main Hall / Reflections on Thought Control....
« on: February 06, 2011, 11:36:30 AM »
          I've had a couple epiphanies since i started seriously dedicating myself to personal/spiritually development. It was very eye opening to me that something that looked so simple, could in fact bring a great deal of insight. In fact it caught me so off guard that i wanted to share just a few simple things that i learned, to kinda, you know, help someone that is at the same stage as i am.

          First thing i've discovered is that 'focus' doesn't just mean to stare at a spot and keep your mind blank. You have to engage what your staring at with your mind. Your brain will attack you with every interesting (and non important) thing that you've come across in the last three days to the last three years. Eventually that'll subside to the more basic response of "well that isn't interesting" or "why are you wasting your time?". This, as far as i can tell, is just how it goes. And you should respond with "Because i said so".

          Secondly I have found that controlling your thoughts are important on an emotional level as well. I just wanted to learn how to tame my mind. However last night i got really pissed off about an event in my life that i couldn't control. Instead of just sitting there stewing in my own negativity, i got up, took a shower (imagining myself being purified by holy water, rinsing all the bad thoughts down the drain) and when i got out i felt better. The thoughts  and feelings wanted to come back, but i told my mind just to 'void' itself. That i was only going to except the positive, and that the negative is not conducive to my advancement.

          Finally there is the "i'm not good at this, i think i should just give up" thing. Ok this is the part where i struggle sometimes. I can spend hours forcing myself to do something, but if i can't see the results there is that little being shouting in the back of my mind "TO HELL WITH THIS!!!". I have stopped and started energy work in some form or another over a dozen times, over the coarse of seven years. This time i feel like i'm finally mature enough to get beyond this point. I no longer want to be "totally cool to all my friends because i can move stuff with my mind". I want more! I want to stand before The Creator of the Universe and have it be known that i did not waste this life chasing superficial things. That i was something more, not for just myself, but for my soul, for the souls of man.

          Mostly though, i just don't have a magick journal and wanted to record my progress so far!  :biggrin: So even though this has all been said in various articles around here, and offers nothing new except what i've figured out on my own. I'm glad i was able to get this off my chest.

I've been reading off and on about chi and general energy manipulation for awhile now.

For about 2 weeks now I've taken on QiGong training but am still a bit confused about what exactly i should be doing.

Every day around 11pm sometimes an hour earlier or later I perform standing meditation and focus on calming my mind, gently gazing forward with my knee's slightly bent, back straight and my breathing deep, outwardly expanding my stomach. While doing I visualize 'positive' energy filling my lungs and expel negative energy when i breath out. Also i focus my attention on my dantian.

Ok now for the part i need help with:

1. Should i actually visualize the chi moving up through my legs, over the top of my head, down the front of my body into my dantian? Because I've just assumed that because my yi is focused there, the chi will automatically go this route and all is fine. Is this correct? Or should i do something different.

2.Also I meditate daily and focus on achieving inner peace and harmony. But after reading Koujiryuu article on "Beginning Daoist Qigong EX" he says something about Apophaticism and Kataphaticism but never really goes into detail about how to avoid being Kataphatic? I basically sounds something along the lines of radchi to me, but should this be something i should worry about? And if so how exactly would one go about the correct way to fill your dantien?

I'd like to thank anyone in advance for their help in clearing this up for me. I'd be happy to specify any information if this isn't enough, and/or try any pointers others my have.

The Cafeteria / Oober nerd thread HALO 2 HALO2 HALO2
« on: November 11, 2004, 08:16:35 PM »
Has anyone played this yet?!? Not to sound like a video game nerd that spends all hours of the night lurking in his FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE! (my room) playing video games. But by god this game is good. All of the sudden your like "holy shit whats going on!" then yoru like "AH DIE!" then your like "all is well, OH NO A DROPSHIP!" then it starts all over agian.

See all i need now is an Xbox, i only got to play it at my best friends house. Becuase her little brother just bought it. But i'm going back there tomarrow. Yes siry bob i am, and i'm play sweet sweet delicious video games!

/end obsesive rant to the muttering of "halo halo halo...."

Spirituality / How to be yourself?
« on: September 29, 2004, 06:08:49 PM »
I thought this was the apropriate forum. If not feel free to move this thread.

I normaly dont' come to a forum for this type of stuff but lately i've been having lots of problems with truely just not caring what people think and being myself. This is really stupid of me. Becuase I know all that stuff about how 'not everyone will always like you.'

But i've had problems with this my whole life. And the weird thing is, is that when i act like myself people love to be around me. I'm all the things i ever loved about myself, funny, smart (somtimes ass is attached to this word), calm (collected), and most of all compasionate. I love being able to talk to someone and make their WHOLE day better. God thats the best feeling in the world!

But i just cant'. I worry. I feel obligated to others to be somthing. And then i loose track of what i am, and then i go in a downward spiral of 'who am i'/'what do i believe in'. And i KNOW i've taken care of all of these problems before. But i feel like they are only temporary solutions for a problem thats been happening sense i was twelve. Please, any reaspon is welcome, so feel free to answer. Even if its just "grow up ya sissy!". Thanks for reading this.

The Cafeteria / If the movie Ground Hog's day happend....
« on: September 14, 2004, 09:10:26 AM »
For those of you that have never seen a movie in your life (or atleast not this one) Ground Hogs day is about this guy, that keeps repeating the same day over and over. At first he is confused, but after awhile he just gets bored, then stops caring.

I was just wondering if what you guys would do when you got to that bored period. What's the craziest thing, cuase i know you've thought about it. I dunno this might be a bit weird but I'd just love to see the shock value on peoples face if at lunch i started throwing raw hamburger at everyone while singin "yellow submarine". That or i'd just start jumping off bulidings, or standing in the middle of the highway, with a trench coat on, and flash random cars. Hehe that would be fun.

Oh well maybe thats just me? What would you do, if you'd just wake up to the same tomarrow?

The Cafeteria / Hold The Button!
« on: August 17, 2004, 08:20:47 PM »
I thought this was pretty cool. I got 10 minutes before i got bored with holding the button, but i think i could have gone longer.

Psionics / Psi and energy blocks...
« on: March 20, 2004, 11:48:54 PM »
I've been training off and on (mostly off) in psionics for the last 7-8 months now. Now i've read a lot, tons, about energy work and you see i still have this little problem.

When i start making psiballs, the first couple of days everything goes good. Life is great, i can even have them contain there psi with simple constructs. I spend a about 10 - 30 minutes each day, making them spending them, getting a general 'feel' for psi. But the thing thats really been hindering me from advancing are these damn energy blocks that i keep getting in my chest.

There located right under my throat, right where your collar bone meets your neck. Then i have to clean out all the blockage and patch everything up. Only to have another damn block happen in two or three days. (I even tried waiting, nothing seems to help.)

I get my energy from my sterum and I do ground occasionaly so as far as i see it i don't think I'm doing anything wrong.

I was just wondering if this will go away (becuase i don't see how it is, but eh i could be wrong). And if anyone had any advice.

PS-Another thing i was thinking is that if all energy is chi (and psi is an offshoot/higher form/ect...) then wouldn't energy blocks happen just as it does to radki'ers? Just wondering this though, i don't really want this thread to turn into one of those "Are chi and psi the same" convo's.

Thanks for you time
-The Gunslinger

Other / Were-animals.
« on: March 03, 2004, 07:00:05 PM »
Now before you post, i'm talking about people who believe they have a heart or the spirit of an animal inside them, and they have special abilities becuase of it.  I'm not talking about shape-shifting, and/or being really hairy and howling at the moon.

Main Hall / Just a little story...
« on: February 20, 2004, 11:45:23 PM »
I'm kinda protective of this story, so i'd just like to ask that all the names introduced not be used for your own benefit. Also this is only the first page of a story i've been devoloping for a long time now. To clear up anything that i didn't get to explain in the book, Temming is for the most part human (he has wings), he lives on a planet where there is a stereotypical fight between cats and dogs, why this planet exist is explained later, i just wanted to get the first page out as it introduces the story and my main character...please give me feed back on what you think...did you get lost...what can i do to make it better..ect...(PS-its pronouced Temm like as in Hemmingway, not teeming)

The Story of Temming.

   The cold room in the ‘Spam’ station had that hard feeling. The type of feeling you get when you stick your hand in a cooler to get out a drink, it was shocking, and awe inspirering, but Temming let that feeling pass many moons ago.
   He stood there on the elevator ramp knowing where he was going. He’d been here sense before time itself it seems, seeing the world, meeting to people, killing them, it was the same routine that tragically got simpler the more and more it happened, every time he pulled the trigger. His world was one of espionage, he didn’t mind it, he didn’t care, and it was his world. But this thought had acured to him once before, death, secrecy, the good of the cause was his world, but this one wasn’t his.
   See he looked different, his thumbs moved differently; it was a good party trick but other then that mostly useless. Specialty guns where common, and the workout he got after it was also common, because that’s what he thought of them now and days, as ‘work outs’ not punishment for having them spend 200,000 thousand thands in research for every new gun they came out with just so he’d have one. But honestly they wouldn’t change it even if the others could move like him, bend like him, they’d keep it the same, it kept him hard disciplined, just like the walls, just like ice water.
   The elevator stopped and he arrived in the corridor. It was vast and expansive but not overly done, the sides of the main hall were decorated in multi-shaded paint, with block numbers written in it, so you’d always know were to go. The ceiling was a shamble of ventilation ducts and rotating thing-a-ma-bobs. Pipes from the ground released warm air through rectangular vents this kept the place at a nice 76, a research proven, perfect working temperature. To Temm that hiss, the warm fog, was home.
   He walked mechanically as made his was across the building, researchers, weapons experts, general CEO’s of something, all waved or nodded politely, Temming returned the favor with a broad expansive grin, that was forced, somehow he could never get his mouth to widen the way the cat’s did. His was flat, his grin was like a rat, Tabby would have teased.
   He felt his energy rise a bit when he thought about how ugly his smile was. It was a warm felling, but he let it out gently and quietly through his palms, no one would notice, that it upset him, besides most already did.
   “Temming report to the C-block, I repeat Temming report to the C-block ASAP!” The voice over the intercom was that of the Commander of the little group nick-named “Spam”. His voice over the intercom was calm and leisurely, the voice of a man that got things done, it matched his persona perfectly. Temm adored it.
   He picked up the pace a little more, the energy that he released out of his hands, the ‘mad’ energy was all but gone, he used the little he had left to propel his feet, as he entered into C-block, he wanted to look sharp on the ball, he wanted to glow, for today was a day that the “The Uprising” would be put to an end, this time it was final.
   “Your late hot shot.” Frisky warned as he walked into the locker room, he was undressing and his chest was damp with wet matted hair. His body was the body of a warrior, sleek and smooth, streaming to the end of his front paws (which were a bit bigger then his back ones), to Fangs there were nearly 2 inches in length, standard regulation only allowed for 3.
   “They worked me hard today.” Temm said simply, as if to answer all the questions that would arise from him being late.
   Frisky only nodded as if Temming did answer all the questions. Temming usually was a bit standoffish around everyone but these last couple of months had been particularly tough for the kid. The cats reached there sexual maturity around 8 or 9, no later then 11. But Temming was a bit of a late bloomer, his hormones were setting in, and they were all warned about today. Temming had to be at his optimum, if he wasn’t this war could go on stalemate just like it has been for the last 100 years, this mission this is the one that means everything. They were lucky that Temming had been found by them, mysterious as his origins were. He was a true ‘diamond in the rough’.
   Temming heard Frisky leave without so much as a glace, he opened his locker staring at his battle suit specifically designed for his body type.
   “Is this it?” He said out loud. “What will I do after this, what will all us do?”
   He put on the pants feeling them. He wondered what it would be like never to put on these starchy clothes again and couldn’t fathom it. Next was his Ballistics rounds vest, fitting around his wings between the back slits of the vest, they came out smoothly sometimes he could move them better then his arms. He put on his utility belt and his boots last, lacing his boots extra tight.
   He was walking out of the room when he caught glace of himself in the mirror; it was hard not to feel sad. He decided just then at that time that if he never wore these clothes again he’d miss there overly starchy crunch, there rustic texture, they’ve taken so many lives you see, its like there were his spirit, his other being, they were his ‘him’.
    He walked up a bit closer to the mirror, his rounded face and tan skin was the same. Hairless except of the stubble, which he was growing around his chin and on his neck, he shaved it often so it’d grow faster. His hair was a jet black, except of the bright neon green at the tips. He smiled one more time, as toothy as he could make it; still it wasn’t the same as the cats. Sadness griped his heart again, he felt like loosing his cool. Why did he have to be so ugly!
   “No, come on Temming. This is the big day; heroes are made this way. You’re a hero. Text books won’t have good pictures in them anyways.”

Main Hall / Happy Valentine's day!
« on: February 14, 2004, 02:30:26 PM »
Happy Valentine's day everyone!  :D

Magick / Ack, i'm so damned sick!
« on: February 10, 2004, 10:30:37 AM »
I've been sick for the last couple of days now and i was just wondering if anyone has a good links for healing magic...

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