Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Topics - attempting

Pages: [1]
I know I'm playing with sanity, but I created a servitor to bring me the things I want in life, and like magic perfect coincidences have been dropping out of the air. I found 3 bags of weed, and met 3 other occultists in my area. My servant was programmed to do both of those things for me among other things. One was a young natural-born witch that I saved from killing herself just in the nic of time, the other talks, has the spiritual energy of, and acts like a demigod. Every time I talk to him I almost go on an acid trip, and I saw his familiar manifest and watch my back on my walk home from his place after a night of toking. The other person I met is a somewhat advanced yogi. I've also manipulated people's minds into having them think I'm something I'm not because I'm an egomaniac.

Yay chaos!

Spirituality / I found spiritual illumination in the psych ward.
« on: February 27, 2015, 02:45:14 PM »
I was feeling suicidal, so I checked myself into a psych ward.
During my visit, I was doing a meditation TDS gave me, and it modified itself without my own intervention.
A burst of light hit me from my higher self, and I could feel my third eye chakra really intensely.
Then everything started changing, I entered the first stages of samadhi, twice.
And then something unbelievable happened. I heard a divine voice in my head start to say things before people around me said them. The first thing being "You're one of us now!" right before my friend said it and shook my hand.
And I've developed a small amount of clairvoyance.
To top things off, I can now communicate with the Goddess I worship, the Great Mother MahaKali.
And when I give myself over to divine will, She can control my body like its on puppet strings.
And now when I look at myself in the mirror, I see the eyes of an Initiate. Vibrant, full of life and color, yet glossed over and detached looking.  
And I can now see God in everyone else's eyes, no matter how dimly from illness or sin.
Life is a beautiful thing.

A week before I finally decided to check myself in, I felt a vague calling to go to the psych ward that I couldn't quite put my finger on, like that's were God/dess wanted me to go. And when I followed it, I came out an entirely new person. No longer feeling like death embodied, but like the Light. And the Darkness. But the darkness is no longer in my heart though my body may not be pure.

I even psi-vamped other spiritual/mental impurities a little bit and then burned them off by praying to Christ and Kali in mantras, and got massive dopamine rushes, but I'm not going to do that any longer, because it would wear me down.

Turns out I was clairaudient all along, and not schizo, just my clairaudience had no filter so anything could get in. Now that I'm connected to Kali and a White Lodge, the negatives cannot penetrate my dome.

Magick / Magical healing
« on: November 04, 2014, 02:52:00 PM »
My story started with some heavy, and I mean HEAVY abuse of psychedelic and dissociative drugs. Sometimes I'd take up to 3 different hallucinogens at one time to get those sweet glimpses of eternity through chemically induced ego-death. I was very, very depressed at the time, as I have been as long as I can remeber, blatantly abusing hallucinogens to escape into a world of my own mind. Needless to say, things started to go horribly wrong. I started loosing sleep, I'd get these crazy rushes of energy (my medical diagnosis is bipolar with psychotic features) that would keep me up for days on end. Eventually I started hearing lyrics in music that weren't really there, and it all seemed to have some sort of deep philosophical meaning to me. Eventually as my condition worsened this degraded further into me hearing voices of my friends (who in my chaotic state of mind I pretty much burned bridges with) tormenting me. In this insanity I found that I could sense and work with to some extent subtle non-physical energies. I found that if I leached out people's negative energy/spiritual impurities, it would give me a short lived sedating "high", and they would become more relaxed. Like an energy vampire, but feeding on spiritual shit instead of life-force. In my manic state I got addicted to the rush that "sin eating" gave me...

One night on one of my manic episodes, out of nowhere, I became obsessed with the idea of Lilith. I went home and hallucinated an entire song with a well produced lyric-video about her on youtube, with a meaning deeply personal to me. Almost mocking me, really. Eventually, a voice (that still hasn't left me) formed INSIDE of my mind that was seperate from "I", that I interpreted to be Lilith. Insane, somewhat self aware of my psychosis, depressed, and absolutely burnt out on life, I tried selling my soul to this entity. I was already a devil-worshipper at the time so doing so only made sense.

Fast forward to me being in a psych ward, I met this man who claimed to be in the illuminati (lol), a delusion that we both shared. At one point, he for some reason couldn't breathe. I half-percieved a serpent around his neck strangling him. With an inhuman amount of focus that I could only achieve because of my manic state, I leached out all of his spiritual impurity, and miraculously, he could breathe again. He was just as convinced as I was that I was the one who healed him, just in the nic of time. He even gave me a t-shirt to thank me.

I kept on absorbing impurities from others through my breath/energy tendrils untill eventually my mind was ABSOLUTELY SATURATED with chaos and sin/impurity. My minds eye was flooded with the most evil, revolting things possible for days on end. Eventually a demon manifested itself onto my television. That was the single most scarring moment of my life. It was an impossible image, beyond description, of pure wrongness, right infront of my eyes. Like something out of a Lovecraft novel.

Now, about 2 years later, I am stuck on loads of medication, and I find it next to impossible to meditate. Without my pills I will go into another manic state and not be able to sleep for days on end until I loose it. That voice in my mind is no longer "Lilith", but it is still with me. Sometimes it acts like a friend, sometimes it acts like a demon and isn't above telling me to kill myself. I would never do such a thing, but its an awful burden to have. I can tell I'm going manic by how real and how much personality it seems to have. Even with mood-stabalizers and antipsychotics, I still need sedatives to sleep more than I am comfortable with. Sometimes when I am trying to sleep awful faces emerge out of the black static behind my eyelids, shocking me awake. Holding enough motivation to practice my spirituality daily is extremely hard, due to depression. I'm not quite in the same black hole of depression as I was before I went completely bonkers, but I find myself numb to everything, and that's no way to live. It just kills motivation.

I know magical healing is possible, as I have performed it, but when it comes to helping myself, I feel completely hopeless. I've read that enochian magic can be effective to someone without proper magical/spiritual training, and can be used to heal. Would this be unwise for me to look into? What other routes should I look into? Any advice would be appreciated.

EDIT: One thing I forgot to mention, is that during my psychosis, it honestly seemed like an outside force was trying to push me into complete self-destruction... Take the pills... do all the drugs... fill yourself with impurity, you're saving the world, kid! Yeah, right. X_X There were times when it felt like legions of demons were invading my mind.

Magick / Vempytic draining
« on: October 24, 2014, 01:11:11 PM »
I have been farily sable on my meds for all those that know I have basically admitted psychosis before, but tonight and a few nights like it happeneing more frienquently I feei sort of an entity latch on to me and sap me of my energ/vatality This happened to me last night and as I PULLED BACK with all my will for my energy I got an incredible rush and couldnt sleep. What type of mental shenanigans
 have I gotten myself into this time?

Body Energy Arts / Yoga and mental illness.
« on: August 21, 2014, 11:46:46 AM »
Short version: Can the practice of a spiritual path like yoga help to cure (some pretty severe) mental illness?

Long story, I have had psychotic breaks that have included everything from hearing voices torment me, seeing visions of hell in my minds eye, having terrifying delusions, and even seeing a demon manifest into reality onto my TV screen. It was unimaginably horrible, like seeing something clearly that is literally impossible, or atleast should be. Felt like my soul got kicked in the balls. In my insanity it felt as if a malevolent intelligence was manipulating me and pushing me closer and closer to destruction. Before it revealed its true face to me it tricked me into feeling love for it. None of you can imagine how disturbing it all is. What fueled most of it was days and days of being full of an un-natural energy that made it impossible to sleep.

I'm currently on tons of medications including mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, and such. When I also need sleeping pills at night because I get extremely restless and anxious, and sometimes faces and strange beings even pop out at me in my minds eye as I'm trying to rest. My diagnosis is bipolar with psychotic features but honestly it was alot like schizophrenia. Honestly I feel pretty dead inside.

So my question is, can yoga/meditation fix me? If so, where should I start? My dream is to be enlightened but I'm already so damaged I don't know if I could ever possibly get there.

Magick / Undoing a pact....
« on: April 26, 2014, 08:59:04 AM »
I'll start with a little back-story, about a year ago I went into a hard-core psychotic episode, that involved the voices in my head identifying themself as Lilith, and long story short I ended up making a pact with "her" for certain things in exchange for me serving in the afterlife. Now, it was most likely entirely in my head, and if there was some spirit fucking with me it probably wasn't lilith, but this has been pure paranoia fuel for me, even though nothing on my side of the bargain came through for me, so I'd assume its invalid. To this day I have a voice in my head that isn't really mine, and is probably the result of brain damage from massive sleep deprivation, it never keeps one identity and has even admitted to me that its just a figment of my imagination.

It's a pretty fucked up situation, there is a 99% chance that there is no real spiritual significance to it, but is there any way to be absolutely sure I'm not bound by any pact?

 :headwall: :headwall: :headwall:

Magick / Sigils: Forgetting
« on: October 04, 2012, 07:32:41 PM »
So, I've been attempting sigil magic the way chaos magic people suggest doing, but how exactly am I supposed to forget about my intent/the sigil after charging it? Just the fact that I am supposed to forget makes it that much harder  :headwall:

Pages: [1]