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Topics - DarkWaterMoon

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Main Hall / Please Forgive Me
« on: May 07, 2012, 09:35:25 PM »
I am a ghost, yes. I have returned to apologize to those that I was an asshole to, and to ask for forgiveness. There is one woman in particular that I was incredibly rude to, but unfortunately I cannot find the message or her username. Please know that I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart, and no one should ever have to hear words that I said to you. I hope you are all well.

Other / Paranoia getting to me
« on: August 10, 2008, 11:47:10 PM »
I've noticed a decline in my willpower ever since by recent drug abuse (as some of you may know. Thank God it didn't last even a year). It feels like I have less control over myself as a whole, as if my parts have slipped and are scattered. My ability to ignore and handle sensations has heavily decreased; if an unpleasant sensation comes I withdraw from all function like a turtle instead of just ignoring it and continuing with what I was doing with a feeling of confidence that everything will be I used to be.

Now a days, when I get dizzy or even when I start to feel sick from overeating, I begin to become anxious and panic heavily because I am out of homostasis. It is a feeling I can heavily relate to back when I had a horribly bad trip on LSA. I don't understand why I relate changes in my system back to that though, even acceptably  healthy ones. For another example, someone called me earlier at 11:30 pm and it said withheld. The first thought in my mind was, if I picked it up I would hear a male with a dark heavy voice saying, "I'm coming to kill you and your family". Every time a number I do not recognize calls me, this same thought process comes to mind, and it is why I never pick up the phone unless I know who it is. I then become afraid that whoever it was is coming to my house right now to kill me, even though I know I have done no wrong to deserve such a thing.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to fix my mind?

Dreams / Are dreams just a glimpse into our mind? Or something more?
« on: July 30, 2008, 11:27:46 AM »
This has been the second night I have dreamt about this person, even though I don't think about the person all the time. Are these just glimpses into my inner desires or is my subconcious trying to tell me something?

Hello and Goodbye / Leaving, but will come back some day
« on: April 01, 2008, 12:48:55 AM »
As I am starting to come back to my groove in reality, I realize I am still not quite as stable as I would like to be. For reasons I do not understand, every time I think of occult theories or of other worldly things, I get an anxious and fearful feeling that just arises. I really don't understand why this feeling comes, as I have mentally recalled all the trauma and hells I went through the past 2 weeks, even though I just want to pretend nothing ever happened, and did my best to interpret what was actually going on compared to what I believed was going on. But even though I have confronted my fears, the feeling still lingers instead of magically going away. However, it does seem to be fading every day, and also with every day I find myself feeling and thinking with the same patterns I had before my "experience", which is what I want to feel; control of my own mind again.

I find an unwillingness in myself to want to sleep. I stay up as long as I can take, even if that means only getting 4 hours of sleep, just because I don't want to leave this place to the land of dreams. This is really unfortunate because I was really into OBE and projections before I ate those fucking seeds; I would practice up to twice a day trying to project and was consistent with my dream journal. But I've neglected and thrown that away along with the other occult books I was studying up to 3 weeks ago. I found peace in it before, a great feeling, but now all it brings is a feeling of uneasiness and I don't understand why if I've tried to confront my fears and make logical conclusions to dissolve the fear that has been stressing me out the past few weeks. I really want that blissfullness back, but I don't know how to gain it back or get rid of this burden I have set upon myself.

To explain a little better, exactly 2 weeks ago I took a moderate to heavy dose of Morning Glory seeds, which have a hallucigen (spelling), LSA which is similar to LSD, in them. I ate 6-8 grams. My trip left me feeling as if I was drifting in and out of existence and non existence; of being an individual piece of flesh and then just a spec in a pool of nothingness and this spanned out for 10 hours. I did not know if I was going to die or not. I kept telling myself it was just the drug, but I kept vomiting, sweating, then getting chills, and just turning my head made me sick to my stomach. The drug makes your blood vessels constrict, so I knew that's what was causing me to feel hot, but then I started shaking uncontrollably and felt totally disconnected from all reality. I went to the ER just to have them help flush it out of my system and the whole time I was reliving memories of regrets and cried for a good hour or so off and on. The trip really wasn't that bad, but the way it left me afterwards is what really scared me and sent me into a traumatic experience....that and getting the fucking flu the day after thanks to being at the hospital (my mom got it too). I had convinced I fucked up my brain and would never be the same. I felt very distant from my memories, couldn't seem to comprehend the concept of the future but only what was happening now, when I did normal things I would ask "why did this exist this way and not some other way" "how come when I sleep I wake up in the same place? How do I know I won't come back next time?", all my habits and thinking patterns had been broken so I just sat in bed watching TV almost all day and sleeping to escape the fear of reality. I felt fearful that this universe is unstable and would end at any second in a flash just like my dreams do; that I would suddenly wake up from this dream that I am living (I convinced myself that I am just a dream and my existence does not matter and can be destroyed at any instant without any ability to defend myself and right to exist). I would walk to one side of the house and then back then think, how did I get here? It felt as if someone just suddenly dropped me into existence at that moment and all my memories were fake. This all sounds very ridiculous, and I even told myself that all the teachings I have studied and experienced says that such thoughts are extreme or false, or maybe even true, they shouldn't be feared. But for some reason I was in constant fear and constantly wanted to regain who I was and not just a blank consciousness suddenly born into the universe. Every day I would have panic attacks and would cry, praying to God and to the archangels to help my recover back to where I was. I guess one could call this experience Ego Death.

I'm sorry this post is starting to get sloppy, but I'm trying to study at the same time while keeping focused on this. I'm tired of feeling scared and lost. I don't understand how something that used to give me pleasure in realizing the wonders of the universe suddenly bring me fear when coming to the same realizations. So I will simply give them up. I still have all my knowledge within me, but I am choosing to push it into a closet and lock the key because I honestly don't know what else to do and cannot keep living like this while maintaining a sane mind with those around me. It really hurts me to do this, but I want things to look forward to again, like basketball games or going to lunch on Fridays, instead of constantly fearing the universe will collapse at any second or pretty much any philosophical thinking it seems. Blissful ignorance is something I always condemned, but I never thought the horrible feelings I have been experiencing lately were even possible to attain.

I will still visit time to time just to read, but I'm trying to cut all of this out of my life for the time being so time may take all this trauma and make it fade with the rest of the past. I would also like to add that I was not abusing the drug. My sole reason for using it, as I even prayed before consumption, was to "reveal to me Truth. The ultimate Truth." I'm pretty sure I got what I asked for but I know I was not ready for it and that is why I am in such a shattered state right now. There is a vast gap between where I was and what I was shown, and without those connections I can't connect the dots. I was a fool to try and take short cuts instead of riding the stable ride of time, and now wish for retribution but am not quite sure if it will be given to me. I want to go back to feeling love for everyone and loving life and nature. It took me quite a while to triumph over my selfishness and little respect for others (which was why I was banned from here for a period), and reach a seat in Tipheret. But now I don't even know where the fuck I am but am slowly feeling myself grooving back into my selfish ways. The thought of containing my sanity at the expense of neglecting others' needs or contributing to helping others grow is proof of that. But for some reason it brings me comfort from all the chaos, and that's all I want right now.

On the bright side, I'm sure some of you are happy or think I got what I deserve.


Spirituality / Death...?
« on: March 26, 2008, 04:37:12 PM »
So one thought bothering me in my anxious mind right now that I know I once had trouble with and don't remember how I dealt with, is why do anything since it won't matter since I'm going to be dead some day? I tell myself just for experience and fun, but that answer doesn't seem to satisfy and still leaves a lingering anxiety in the pit of my stomach. Anyone care to input...please? =/

Main Hall / Has anyone noticed a different feeling lately?
« on: March 14, 2008, 08:55:55 PM »
I can't tell if it's happening within me or around me. I'd ask my friends but I'm sure they'd just think I'm stoned or something. Lately it seems as if time is not as existent, if that makes sense. For example, from a span of 6 hours it feels like a whole day has gone by, but it's really only been 6 hours. It's like the fabric of time is being stretched.

I've also noticed a great improvement and the intensity of feeling has been increased when doing my daily rituals such as LBRP and espically the Middle Pillar. The feeling I get after the Middle Pillar is a state in which I can only achieve upon waking up or after smoking a bit of reefer. It's a state to where I have trouble speaking in words and feel connected to everything. Not only is this happening while in this state, but today I had random occurrances that hit me. Like when I was driving home from my friends house at sunset I suddenly felt lost and I didn't know who I was or where I was at. I looked around in the same way I would in an OBE, and the feelings were so much the same as an OBE consciousness. For some reason instinct made me try to instantly transport across the road but I was confused when I couldn't do this and noticed I was stuck in my body.

I went home and grounded for a bit after this happened. Before hand I had stood outside and just admired the beauty of the countryside in blooming and everything had the "lighter" feeling of that of where ever you experience an OBE. This explanation isn't quite as good as it could be, but I'm trying to get stuff done so I can get going on Spring Break and I'm sure this will suffice.


Spirituality / Layers of consciousness and personality
« on: March 06, 2008, 09:04:55 PM »
Here is my latest blog. I was hesitant to post this here because I feel tension towards me and didn't feel like being ridiculed for being me and not because of my thoughts. However, I have gotten good feedback in quite a few other places so I'd like to share with this community. After all, I did start out here. Enjoy:

It would seem the best metaphor to describe the functioning and structure of consciousness is like that of a pyramid. There are more bricks, density, on the bottom and as you move up there are less bricks, less density (or not as heavy). Each brick shares its part in the structure of the pyramid, therefore each has its own consciousness within that of the pyramid. In which I mean the idea of a brick being a brick and a brick being the pyramid whole existing at the same time. This is a fine example of existing in two places at once, because the object is existing in two intersecting planes of existence.

Much of the structure or the mind has been found out by people like Jung and what's his name...Sigfreud or something? They talk about the id, ego, and ya.

At the top of the "pyramid" there is but one "voice" or personality. He is your true self and true personality, but cannot easily be "heard" by your mental conscious. He doesn't speak in words, yet pure thought through images and just knowing. Words is definately something he is not good at lol. When aware in this level of consciousness, you experience an intense feeling of peace and unconditional love. Some people like to call it the Christ conscious for that reason.

Then you have a lower reflection of that same self; it's like he is a lower octave of the same note. This one is your true self you will experience consciously through your day to day life. This is true personality in its pure form. You may give it the ability to control other personalities or be controlled. However it must coexist with a lower personality in which it may manifest to its choosing just by requesting.

These lower personality are those with exaggerated emotions like happiness, depressed, angry, sad. They are different mindsets you can crawl into in order to regulate certain thoughts and prevent others. These mindsets can also be lifestyles such as atheism, materialism, or zealot. With these clouding your mind you will not be able to see truth, but will see bias. This consciousness can be transcended if enough time and practice has been spent to the higher consciousness. However, one will always have some kind of manifestation ready if he is a part of modern society. In other words, it's like shapeshifting and molding your own mental structure.This is a good example how good actors make the best spies.

Then below this is the instincts that deal with survival needs such as pain, which directs energy to the wound through your thought which is directed on the wound(through thought comes matter) and the need to maintain balance/equillibrium. It is also a reflection of the highest consciousness, for what is above is below. It also has a very hard time, almost impossible, speaking in words. It communicates heavily with symbols and ritual. It's the the consciousness you feel when you feel at home in the woods or on a horse. That instinct of goodness. Just like the highest, this consciousness also holds ectasy and love, but in a lesser form. It's the intense feeling you get during sex, the one that makes your body shake and then orgasm, making you feel extreme happiness and love. I'd say the feeling quickly disappears because it's a effect of the physical law, in which time is linear and segmented and not everlasting.

It may seem that I may be suggesting that these consciousness in themselves are separate. It may seem, if enough thought and focus is put into it, a single conscious can expand and become you full awareness. However it must be constantly fed through focus or it will lose its "air" so to speak. But in general, all these consciousness co exist within the "web consciousness". It's hilarious because as I meditate on this my brain keeps trying to calculate this theory and fails. It knows it's true but can't prove it. This is why:

The brain is very narrow into being completely swallowed in Earthly law. It knows that it can walk, talk, breathe, shit, eat, swim, and live through his five senses. He cannot see anything further than what his five senses perceive. He believes he is just his body and a single existence.

It used to bother me thinking that when I died and merged with "God" or that divine, where I will be nothing yet everything, energy in its purest form, that I would no longer be able to think the thoughts I am thinking now and will be erased from the face of the universe. I believed I could only exist as one thing at once. So therefore when I die, since I will be physically dead, I will no longer exist in any form of my own consciousness. But once I experienced bi awareness(awareness in several places at once) I saw that this was amazing such a thing could exist! I was in a different place altogether yet my physical body was still functioning and interacting with the world around it.

Gosh it's such a hard concept to explain. With philosophy and stuff like this, there is only so much you can tell a person before they have to rely on their own thoughts to experience it themselves. This is why the key is to be searched for within. The inner Alchemy. Just sit back, close your eyes and relax with an open mind. Question the reality of everything around you to learn its true nature and purpose. Don't assume from what you see, but study it and know what it IS.

Magick / Middle Pillar vs. Kundalini rising
« on: February 19, 2008, 10:19:00 AM »
In the Middle Pillar the energy goes from the head to the base, while with raising it goes the opposite way. Why is that?

Spirituality / Was it just the Bible?
« on: February 09, 2008, 01:25:40 PM »
That said man is an image of God or was there more books that say that?

Main Hall / On so called "psi spies"
« on: October 06, 2007, 01:14:53 PM »
Okay so there are a few people that have written books claiming that they had once been a part of this program. But even though the program is no longer a part of the Army and CIA, if it were true wouldn't the government want to keep these peoples' mouths shut? Everyone knows that civil liberties don't come into play when National Security is at risk, so these people would be killed no doubt. So is it false?

Main Hall / What is your profession
« on: September 09, 2007, 10:51:48 AM »
I'd just like to see what the members of the Veritas community do for a living. Personally, I am a student in college, still lost in what I want to do.

Magick / Purpose in life? There is none?
« on: September 02, 2007, 04:38:49 PM »
Aren't we just exiles from our godheads? Casted out for our impurities and locked in this prison called Earth? Therefore, we really have no purpose in this world, except to remain in our cell to "repent". I've been thinking about this for a while, and I can't find any answers. Any one have any input?

Magick / Auras and vital energy?
« on: July 16, 2007, 10:08:20 AM »
Are auras made up of vital energy or is an aura just a piece of your astral body? Also, which can be expandedl your radiance of vital energy or aura?

Questions & Suggestions / Are messages working?
« on: July 12, 2007, 11:19:55 AM »
I look in my outbox and it doesn't show any of my recently sent messages. Is the system down?

Main Hall / Not knowing one's place in life
« on: July 01, 2007, 10:31:43 PM »
It's coming to that time in my life to where I am having to choose how I want the rest of my life to turn out and what career path I want to take. However, this is not as easy as it may sound. I used to think I wanted to be a programmer and earn a lot of money by sitting around all day using my brain and not being around people. But, after my summer job doing this in an office, I can see myself committing suicide from all the boredom and loneliness after a few years.

I've come to decide, well more like think, that I want to go into the field of protecting others, like law enforcement or military. I want to live a meaningful life, not one that is just to survive and get by as long as possible until death comes. Material possessions do concern me to a certain point, but I'll always be able to get what I need no matter what so I have no real need to be making millions of dollars.

As much as people have screwed me over in my life, even more have been helpful and kind towards me and even though I don't see most of them anymore, I'd like to protect them from any harm. I'd rather die knowing what I did in life was meaningful and not just an office job to get by.

It is a fact that law enforcement and military jobs are dangerous, but what else isn't? I could die in a car accident any day of the year. Death isn't something that I'm afraid of anyway; I've already been out of my body several times and even though I don't completely know my way around the different planes, I'm not lost. Even after death, it is my wish to become some kind of guardian.

Not only this, but I was named after the protector Saint Michael the Archangel. That's got to have some meaning to it.

My one and only concern is what if this isn't my place? How do I know what I am about to decide is right for me? The feeling of being lost in this world is almost unbearable, and I'm trying to find any signs to point me in the right direction.

Does anyone have any input?

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