Author Topic: Progress I Suppose (moving past the day she died)  (Read 711 times)

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August 06, 2009, 03:46:03 PM
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I sat in the kitchen scarfing down a sandwhich. It was a cool summer morning not too long ago and nothing could have taken the place of that breeze. The phone rang much like the silver bells Poe wrote about. My strong and sturdy aunt Michelle picked it up, "Hello?" Now my aunt Michelle is a strong lady. She raised three kids and continues to care for her oldest son Matt who has some disabilities. But when I chanced a stare into her eyes I was lost in the furious tunnels of worry and fear.

"Jim! Who else is there?", her voice was calm, but weak, it trembled and shook. Very unlike my aunt Michelle. I dont know if it was the look in her eyes or the sound of her voice or even the name Jim that gave me the signs because i knew what had happened. The fear was welling in my gut. Silent, paranoid whispers crept into my concious thought "She's dead." Once that had happened I just needed confirmation. Aunt Michelle had finished the phone call with little said. "Is everything ok?" i asked. Her reply brought and still brings tears to my eyes even now. She said "No, come with me.", and I felt something close to hope shatter to dust and the morning breeze took it away.

We walked across the elevated deck joining together my aunt and my sister's, Samantha's, house.
We walked in, woke Sam up, and went towards the only space in the one bedroom apartment. Sam inquired,"What's wrong?" She had just opened her eyes and got up a few minutes ago. Aunt Michelle looked at us both and she said "Your mother passed away last night" or something to that effect. I just needed the confirmation. Still, the fresh, vibrant colors flooding my vision melted off the walls, off of objects, people, everything was one big, black and white blur.

Samantha's reaction shook me. Not that there was much to shake. "What? No! No!" She kept repeating it. Each time driving a dagger into my chest with just the sound of her voice. Wrenching from me a sense of identity and im not sure what else. All the same what ever is and was in me started bleeding out. She backed up and then ran into her bedroom to Adam. I like Adam. I have since the first time I met him. Her "significant other". Whatever happened after that i couldnt tell you with as much clarity. Only that i looked at the sky and the clouds for answers. Prayed, yes I prayed, to the stars for that hope to return.

Since then I've done a million different things wrong. I learned that, though many of you may tell me otherwise, I will save the people I care for. They say i couldnt save my mother. Truth is I didnt have to save my mother. I know I could have. I KNOW IT. She had shrines that she'd pray to just for a telephone call from me. All I did was give up on her and hope that she'd make the right choice. But sometimes hopes and prayers are just not enough. Maybe if i had stepped in, it might have gotten worse for me, maybe she wouldnt have become better.

BUT i will say this. I wouldnt have this regret this weight this pain if had just tried. If i had reached out my hands and kept them there. Even if she would have robbed me blind of all my emotions They are mine to give to whom i choose. I only thought i knew who she was. Now i know that regardless of what may or may not happen, I wont lose another. Not if i can help it. NOT if theres even a ghost of a chance
goodbye mom
"...There is simply The Way, and he who follows it must know when to act and in what way to act.  Sometimes it is to the right, other times to the left.  An initiate acknowledges no difference...." Veos.